Being a leader means that others will hurt you. Although I’ve yet to see a physical punch thrown in church (and I almost have), there are plenty of gut punches thrown. Many people that you have served, loved, and helped along the way will not reciprocate, serve, or give back quite the way that you want or expect them to. In fact, you many never see some of them ever again. So, I ask you – can you take a punch? Because you’re going to if you decided to serve others in ministry.
Why do you serve others?
I’ve had to learn this difficult truth over and over again. I can think of several examples when I have invested several hours, days or months of my time investing in others in either a discipleship type of relationship or by being in a situation when I have accompanied others through various difficult times and even crisis in their lives. I seem to keep finding people that are experiencing difficult times, or God keeps putting them in my path (Are you teaching me here something, God…?). After investing time in these relationships, I often have an internal expectation that the relationship will be reciprocal in some way, that they’ll give back to me and others in the same way I gave to them, that they will get more plugged into the local church and begin to serve somehow. Through heartache, I’ve found out that this often isn’t the case.
Now, I have to be honest and recognize upfront that my expectation isn’t the holiest of expectations. I mean, I shouldn’t be expecting some type of exchange of “I’ll serve you as long as you pay me back.” That isn’t what is actually going through my head when I serve others in some way. I really do have a strong desire to help other people in their journey of faith and to help them seek full lives in Christ. But deep down, there is this thing that says – “Hey, I gave you a lot of my time and energy, and now you’re not even going to serve God and others faithfully as a result? You’re not going to keep coming to the church? You’re not even going to serve me back a little bit?”
And then Matthew 20:28 is instantly recited in my head – “…the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (NIV) Dang.
This verse shows us that if we follow the example of Jesus, that means that we shouldn’t seek to be served back. Jesus said to be a servant and slave of others (v. 26, 27) His example encourages a relentless giving of oneself for the wellbeing of others, loving others so much that you aren’t thinking about receiving a reward, loving so much that you aren’t thinking about yourself. This is hard. But if we don’t learn this, we’ll become bitter as we wait for people to treat us like we think we deserve to be treated.
Jesus was treated much worse
What amazing is that people didn’t even reciprocate with Jesus himself when he walked upon the earth. Jesus wasn’t treated as he should have been treated. Even in his last hours he was hated, mistreated, misjudged, and executed (a ransom for many). Remember the ten lepers that Jesus healed? Only one took the time to thank him. Remember when Peter publicly denied him several times and all his disciples deserted him before his death? How many people did Jesus heal and bless while he was on earth? Probably at least tens of thousands. But how many people were willing to follow and serve him? It appears that there were only about a hundred and twenty that stuck with him shortly after his death and resurrection. Even after becoming Christians, how many times have we gotten off track and chosen sin over him? Many times. Talk about gut punches!
If we are going to serve in leadership positions in Christ’s mission, we must keep a proper perspective. If most people didn’t reciprocate with Jesus, why do we expect anything different? If we don’t fully reciprocate and love Jesus back in the same way that he has loved us, why do we expect something from others that we ourselves don’t do? We fall short too.
Seek out healthy relationships
Please know that I’m not advocating for us as leaders to be willingly used and abused. We must establish clear boundaries in our lives for our own wellbeing, our family’s wellbeing, and for longevity in ministry. Also, for our wellbeing, we need to intentionally seek out and maintain intimate relationships in our lives. In close relationships there actually should be significant reciprocity with mutual love, care, gratitude and more – we should expect this in relationships of deep trust. But even in these deeper relationships, the principle is still to serve them in love. We shouldn’t purse or invest in relationships with the intention of receiving some IOU or payment from them later on or thinking that our good deeds towards them now mean that they are indebted to us in some way – we are called to freely give of ourselves.
Let’s roll with the punches
I’m writing this out because I’ve been struggling with this today. If I’m not careful, the bitter feelings easily take over. It hurts to get hurt by others, but we can’t allow ourselves to become bitter and cynical in ministry. It helps to remember the principle that we are called to serve others. It helps to know that it’s not all about me. It helps to remember that I don’t even have it all that bad in comparison with Jesus himself. It helps to remember that I fall short too in my relationship with him. It helps to remember all the wonderful relationships that God has already gifted me with. It helps to know that he will give me grace to keep serving him and others as I continue to roll with the punches.